One Year Later: Getting my First Full Time Job

When I first began writing this blog post, I felt how I always feel when thinking about full-time jobs in the "real" and "adult" world. I had prepared for that moment by doing two internships while I was in school, one during the summer at a historical society and the other in my last fall semester at a nonprofit organization. 

Unfortunately, I found both did not suit my needs and, though they included writing and gaining experience, I was still quite bored. This trend was not the case for my job in the writing center, which grew busier as the semester continued, or at the grocery store where I was at a cashier. It must just be the internships, I thought. 

I have been sufficiently bored at my job since attaining full-time status at this time last year. The same trend always exists. I am excited to be there, looking forward to it; I am busy, learning the ropes; I ask for more things to do, in order to impress; and then not a lot of things come up that I need to do. Why? Is it me? Do I finish my tasks too quickly? I know when they are finished I have put all the hard work I can into them, so its not like I hurry and do a half-ass job. What, then? Why is this happening? 

This contributed to my rocky transition period into my full-time job. It was incredibly difficult for me to sit inputting information into a spreadsheet all day for eight hours. Not only did it make me feel useless, but it also started to effect my writing habits. After doing this work all day--even if on my breaks I took walks, wrote, or read books--I found, upon returning home, that I did nothing. I watched TV. (Normally, I do not watch a lot of TV. When I get an apartment it will not be one of the things I purchase. Of course, I want my DVDs and Netflix, but those are quite different than idly sitting on the couch because you were drawn into a program you chose at random.) It was so unproductive and, just as it happens when I do not write for a few days, I was unhappy. 

As I grew up, my goal in my mind stayed the same: to never ever do a job for the money. That was not living. The only way, I knew, I could be happy is by doing something I love, and that happens to be writing. Except this will not pay off my student debt or help me live--not yet. In order to start moving forward instead of behind is to have a job where I just make money. It's how we all start off, right? Only, if I was busy at all of my jobs, I might not despise them so much. I know I only liked working as a cashier because of the constant flow of tasks that kept me from looking at the clock. At any job, this would be the same case. 

Everything has been slowing down for my work. Thoughts stray into my mind of unhappiness, but I keep my projects going. The only positive thing is that at this job, I still want to write at the end of the day. I crave it. 

And then, yesterday, something arrived on my desk that reminded me of an important, forgotten goal from last year. 

It was a 401K plan I could sign up for, and information on health insurance. I am still on my parents, except having a backup, having my own, means huge relief. Since I have colitis, being without health insurance is just unimaginable. My medication alone--one of them--would empty my savings. There it was--my one reason for getting a job that was not money. To have a backup. To be safe and healthy. 

So, what does this mean for being happy? What does this mean about how busy I am at work? I am not quite sure yet; however, I am glad I completed last year's goal. 

UPDATE: Not long after I wrote this post, I was approached by my boss, who has been trying to find someone to fill a bookkeeping job, and he asked if I wanted to apply. When I replied I did, we looked up where I could do accounting classes to understand it better, and I am now in my fourth lesson! Things are looking up, and I am ever so slowly filling my day with busy, productive, activities. AND I am still writing. I'm getting closer! 

Of Two Things I'm Certain

Being in your twenties is possibly the most confusing time of my life. Not only have I just left my past self behind, but I have yet to discover who my future self will be. Trapped in the middle like this is both frightening and amazing, for its almost as though you're caught in the middle of an adventure. I can tell my writing reflects this. In my revision, my main characters struggle for belonging and identity. In my WIP, my main character struggles to remember himself (he has lost his memory) and discover his identity by combining past memories with ones he makes in the present. I know that writing these will help me find myself, too. 

And that's how I plan to get through it all, by writing. 

When I left school, leaving the image of "Jess always doing her homework" behind, I was scared. What if I was only good at school--at taking tests, writing essays, answering short-answer questions? All the homework would end. After that, what would I do with all my free time? How would I handle getting a full-time job? These are just the start of all the questions. For example, we could follow with the struggle to (A) make money, (B) maintain an interest in my job, (C) the desire to move to an apartment, (D) the desire to get a new car, (E) unable to do any of these things because I'm paying off loans... I'm sure your situation was or is similar to mine. 

Through all these changes in beliefs, in friends, in who I want to become, I have two things I am sure of. 

1. I am not on the path to becoming a "What Not To Wear" horror story. I used to watch this show all the time during the summer because it was on every day at noon, so I turned it on when eating lunch and quickly became pulled into the episode, especially if there was a marathon going on. My mother always dresses really nice, and with her as my guide, I have been doing the same. (Although, I type this with a frumpy sweatshirt on. Hey, it's cold!) Regularly purging my closet, something I am in need of doing soon, has kept me on top of things, despite how difficult it may be with my colitis. Every time I get a flare my jeans could fit differently, so buying the correct size is of optimum importance. As I dress I hear Mom's voice in my ear: "What, no earrings? How about a necklace?" 

2. I will always be writing. This grounds me more than anything. I love it. It helps me talk myself through my problems, whether I am writing in my journal or a blog post or even a novel, as mentioned above it seems as if I am using that outlet--that of my character's identities--to discover my own. I have been writing stories since I was five years old. My ideas are plentiful. If I do not write I will explode. Despite all the confusion I may have during the day, it vanishes as soon as I begin. 

It is quite relieving to have two things to ground me, leaving me with just enough courage to explore the unknown. 

Update: Conquering Revision

It can be difficult to take a different approach to a story that's been worked on for ten to twelve years. In fact, I believe that's what my problem has been in past revisions: I kept too close to the original, so close that my writing style from way back when leaks into my new draft. Over the years, plot has shifted, yet old ideas still persist with a stubborn attitude. In September, I started my last plot revision of the project and became determined to rewrite it all. Not only was this my revision technique now, but it will also become, possibly, the way I revise in the future. No pressure?

One of the issues I have when I write is that I come up with a great idea for a scene, write it down, and then forget about it. If the paper is not in front of me, I write an entirely new version of the scene. Later, upon finding the original idea, I battle myself. Idea A, or Idea B? Usually I go with the latter, for the simple reason that the new idea is more interesting than the old one. This is all good and fine for first drafts. What about revisions? Before starting, I knew that would be my main problem. If I continued flying past the old plot notes, this draft would become a first draft and we would be at square one.

Not an option!

Instead of messy papers everywhere on my desk, I made a master notes list, split into at least six sections. The first was history of my land that I re-built in so many ways, which influenced the present day of the story. Next came the changes to the culture of the people. This was followed by the parts my story is actually split into. I began making mini-outlines (at least, this is how Part 1's section goes), but they evolved into adding the main differences to each section, which included "In-Between" (there is a space of about two years between Part 1 and Part 2), Part 2, and Part 3. If I consulted this packet of notes, I would not forget a lot of it. 

It was a nice thought, anyway. I did check on that packet; although, as time went on I found my notes were not here. In fact, they were paper clipped together and stuck in the binder of the copy of my book I was checking. If I was finished with a particular note, it did not linger--I put it in a folder on my desk of old notes from that story.

The other problem--a much larger one--was how to revise the plot and my writing style without letting those pesky phrases from younger me slipping in. Before, I simply copied the page, typing it all up over again in order to find any errors. 

No!

This time around, I realized what I should do is reread the scene I am about to write, and close the binder. No more peeking. Ideas that I enjoyed would stay fresh in my memory, while at the same time allowing my writing to improve. If a scene did not hold a great change to the plot, I copied it, but this was rarely done. My routine became to reread the old scene, reread the writing I had written the day before, and then start writing the new scene. Anything forgotten was not important anymore. 

Learning to revise in the way that fits me best is an ongoing effort, as it is for us all. How do you revise? I'd love to hear!