Of Two Things I'm Certain

Being in your twenties is possibly the most confusing time of my life. Not only have I just left my past self behind, but I have yet to discover who my future self will be. Trapped in the middle like this is both frightening and amazing, for its almost as though you're caught in the middle of an adventure. I can tell my writing reflects this. In my revision, my main characters struggle for belonging and identity. In my WIP, my main character struggles to remember himself (he has lost his memory) and discover his identity by combining past memories with ones he makes in the present. I know that writing these will help me find myself, too. 

And that's how I plan to get through it all, by writing. 

When I left school, leaving the image of "Jess always doing her homework" behind, I was scared. What if I was only good at school--at taking tests, writing essays, answering short-answer questions? All the homework would end. After that, what would I do with all my free time? How would I handle getting a full-time job? These are just the start of all the questions. For example, we could follow with the struggle to (A) make money, (B) maintain an interest in my job, (C) the desire to move to an apartment, (D) the desire to get a new car, (E) unable to do any of these things because I'm paying off loans... I'm sure your situation was or is similar to mine. 

Through all these changes in beliefs, in friends, in who I want to become, I have two things I am sure of. 

1. I am not on the path to becoming a "What Not To Wear" horror story. I used to watch this show all the time during the summer because it was on every day at noon, so I turned it on when eating lunch and quickly became pulled into the episode, especially if there was a marathon going on. My mother always dresses really nice, and with her as my guide, I have been doing the same. (Although, I type this with a frumpy sweatshirt on. Hey, it's cold!) Regularly purging my closet, something I am in need of doing soon, has kept me on top of things, despite how difficult it may be with my colitis. Every time I get a flare my jeans could fit differently, so buying the correct size is of optimum importance. As I dress I hear Mom's voice in my ear: "What, no earrings? How about a necklace?" 

2. I will always be writing. This grounds me more than anything. I love it. It helps me talk myself through my problems, whether I am writing in my journal or a blog post or even a novel, as mentioned above it seems as if I am using that outlet--that of my character's identities--to discover my own. I have been writing stories since I was five years old. My ideas are plentiful. If I do not write I will explode. Despite all the confusion I may have during the day, it vanishes as soon as I begin. 

It is quite relieving to have two things to ground me, leaving me with just enough courage to explore the unknown. 

Returning to and Discovering Myself

November of 2014 began with the most unexpected thing--my break up with the first person I'd ever been in a relationship with.

Looking back, I was blind, forgetting everything I wanted, and this break up did nothing but bring me good. 

At the time, my entire world shattered. I consulted close, comforting friends, and pulled myself away from him. It was a long and difficult process. 

Since I was enveloped in it at the time, I really had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea until November 2015, when posts from that time showed up on my Timehop. 

I would like to call these posts "A Return to Myself." Whoever I lost while I was in that relationship I seemed to find again through these strange, little acts of rebellion. On my own again, I was left with one question: Who was I? So, I set about answering it.

Truly a rebellion. It was both exciting and worthy of nausea.

One of my favorite outfits at that time were my black leggings, my black Within Temptation t-shirt, and bright, orange shoes. I also wore, at some point at my internship, bright orange tights with a black and white dress. I was sad, yes, but not depressed because being single again meant I could do anything--move away even, if I desired it. 

More rebellions surfaced as I scrolled through my Timehop. This one was particularly notable: 

One of my friends was in the play, and it was REALLY good!

What inspired this? Part of me believes that I just wanted to get out of my bedroom at school, go see new things. In the crowd of a theatre, I would not be alone. Except the way this is written shows it might be a little more than that. It was my senior semester of college--time to write my seminar paper--and instead of being productive, I trudged through the cold to see a play. New clothes, new routine, wonder what came next?

Yup. 

For my entire college career I battled the huge and heavy, broken mouse, cover breaking apart computer, and it seemed now was the time to do some researching. Not only that, but it was also time to do something I had always wanted:

I've always loved red/ginger hair.

As I read through these, I wondered if I suppressed all this while I was in a relationship. Yet, in the process of being in the relationship, I grew as a person. Afterwards, it became time to grow again.

This journey was not an easy one, and I am happy to say that I have discovered myself since then. I learned what I believe in, who I am, and what I want my life to be like when I move out of my parent's house. The small rebellion of November 2014 will have a special place in my heart, for both the choices I made and these heartwarming Tweets that showcase my thought process at the time.