Of Two Things I'm Certain

Being in your twenties is possibly the most confusing time of my life. Not only have I just left my past self behind, but I have yet to discover who my future self will be. Trapped in the middle like this is both frightening and amazing, for its almost as though you're caught in the middle of an adventure. I can tell my writing reflects this. In my revision, my main characters struggle for belonging and identity. In my WIP, my main character struggles to remember himself (he has lost his memory) and discover his identity by combining past memories with ones he makes in the present. I know that writing these will help me find myself, too. 

And that's how I plan to get through it all, by writing. 

When I left school, leaving the image of "Jess always doing her homework" behind, I was scared. What if I was only good at school--at taking tests, writing essays, answering short-answer questions? All the homework would end. After that, what would I do with all my free time? How would I handle getting a full-time job? These are just the start of all the questions. For example, we could follow with the struggle to (A) make money, (B) maintain an interest in my job, (C) the desire to move to an apartment, (D) the desire to get a new car, (E) unable to do any of these things because I'm paying off loans... I'm sure your situation was or is similar to mine. 

Through all these changes in beliefs, in friends, in who I want to become, I have two things I am sure of. 

1. I am not on the path to becoming a "What Not To Wear" horror story. I used to watch this show all the time during the summer because it was on every day at noon, so I turned it on when eating lunch and quickly became pulled into the episode, especially if there was a marathon going on. My mother always dresses really nice, and with her as my guide, I have been doing the same. (Although, I type this with a frumpy sweatshirt on. Hey, it's cold!) Regularly purging my closet, something I am in need of doing soon, has kept me on top of things, despite how difficult it may be with my colitis. Every time I get a flare my jeans could fit differently, so buying the correct size is of optimum importance. As I dress I hear Mom's voice in my ear: "What, no earrings? How about a necklace?" 

2. I will always be writing. This grounds me more than anything. I love it. It helps me talk myself through my problems, whether I am writing in my journal or a blog post or even a novel, as mentioned above it seems as if I am using that outlet--that of my character's identities--to discover my own. I have been writing stories since I was five years old. My ideas are plentiful. If I do not write I will explode. Despite all the confusion I may have during the day, it vanishes as soon as I begin. 

It is quite relieving to have two things to ground me, leaving me with just enough courage to explore the unknown. 

The Journey to Soy Free

In January, there was a period in my area where everyone was falling sick with the stomach bug. Of course, this did not mean well for me, since my colitis was already feeling quite rough. I'd been trying to convince myself that everything was fine, that I did not need to call my doctor and have him put me on stronger meds. Now there was no denying. It was time to try different methods. 

First, I decided to take different supplements, including vitamins C and D, Tumeric, and Iron. All of them helped.

They helped me stay afloat, somehow, but one weekend when we had ordered Chinese for lunch, I had a strong reaction to it. Although, the rest of the day, I felt fine. Beautiful. I had no issues. 

Mom and I looked at each other, we were on our way to go shopping, and knew what this meant--soy. For a long time, my uncle (her brother) was really allergic. I recalled how in school I tried soy milk, since I cannot have dairy, and was incredibly nauseous the entire day. It was worth a try, especially since I did not want to take stronger medication. Being only 22, this could cause me a lot of issues down the road. Throughout that afternoon, we realized the chips I ate every day had soy, the pretzels and/or crackers, the soup...the list goes on. 

Its been difficult to find things without soy that I can eat. Whats good is that it means I'll have more organic food, but that also means it could involve more hard-to-digest grains (bad bad bad!). A while passed before I was able to eliminate the tricky "Processed in a facility that uses soy" products from my diet. Even if it meant eating the same thing for lunch every day, I did not care. It helped me feel better. 

And it HAS. Ever since making those small, yet difficult, changes, I feel so much better. Here and there I have bad days, but everyone does. At least this is giving me a chance to heal and recover from the stomach bug I had more than a month ago. Coming up soon I have an appointment to get allergy testing done, so I'm looking forward to seeing those results. For now, I'll continue progressing with this diet change.

If you have any soy-free products you'd like to share, delicious recipes, or tips, I would love to hear them!

Diary of a Picky Eater: Week 2

This week, unfortunately, there was not much I tried in terms of "new food." Finding foods that (A) I can eat with my colitis and (B) are healthy for me is a struggle. I wish I had the time to endlessly cook these things at home (and the skill, now that I think about it), but my days are filled with work and writing. The only time I have to cook is at night, with my mom.

On the plus side, I have been adding more fruit into my lunchbox, and hummus! A year or so ago, if I'd eaten hummus, I would have felt as though I was going to vomit. It was something about the texture. Then, one summer afternoon, my grandmother took out hummus and bagel chips for a snack, and I tried it. What happened, taste buds? I can't get enough now! Of course, since I can't have raw vegetables, I eat hummus with--you guessed it--carbs, but it's a start to the healthier lifestyle I need.

At my house, once I got back from college, I started to realize we ate, for the most part, the same things every week for dinner. We'd have pasta, steak, hamburger, take out, and cycle through them the next week, occasionally adding in something different. And most of it is beef--for my colitis, meat like chicken or fish is a better option. It is now my goal to add more of this into our dinner.

Let me tell you, it's a struggle.

The good news is, with winter approaching, we've started to make Sunday nights our soup night, which means endless possibilities for yummy cooked vegetables, meat, and nutrients that will help me feel better. Last week, I helped make a chicken noodle soup that turned out delicious!


This week...

Manhattan Clam Chowder. Like hummus, this is something else I thought I hated until I ate it a couple of summers ago at a local eatery. Taste buds, you shock me again! Except this time it was homemade, so we added whatever our hearts so desired, and it came out amazing. We made Manhattan style because I cannot have dairy, eliminating what I imagine is a delicious New England Style Clam Chowder from the menu.

Raspberries. I tried this at the request of my brother, who was munching them down one by one. It tasted good, except rather sour. I don't mind the flavor. But it was the texture that got me; it was all squishy and blech! I'm the type of person who enjoys fruits like grapes crisp and crunchy, not to mention cold. I think I'll try this in a smoothie soon.

Diary of a Picky Eater: Week 1

The news my colitis (the simplest definition? an irritation of the colon) was getting worse did not sit well with me. What made matters worse was that my doctor was prescribing me heavy-duty meds to make everything better.

That is, if one thing didn’t work, he would try the other.

This means I only have a limited time until the inevitable.

And it got me thinking. Since the symptoms of colitis (most common one is diarrhea, for me) can be prevented through my food choices, what foods am I eating that are actually doing me harm? Most of my diet is compromised of red meat and carbs. Typically, I avoid fruits and veggies of all kinds since *shudder* they taste icky.

Except, not only has it been a long time since I tried those foods, but the foods I eat a lot of typically aren’t good for those with colitis. In fact, in some people, red meat is known to cause flare ups of symptoms.

I knew it was time to try more foods and stick to them. This is my “Diary of a Picky Eater,” and I will be blogging what foods I try as I go through the weeks since I do not enjoy any foods of the kind that are good for me to eat.

Oh boy, this is going to be…fun?

1. That Awful Stuffed Mushroom. It was an endeavor I should have never attempted, but when my mom offered me a mushroom stuffed with crab, I swallowed hard and held it aloft in the air, crying, “For my colon!” and bit into the gooey, horrible, bad tasting mess. (I spit it out. I won’t be trying mushrooms again soon.)
2. Chicken Pot Pie Failure. Because Chicken Pot Pies usually feature unslightly foods like carrots or—cover your eyes, kids!—peas, I was not too eager to try this particular pie. Whenever we eat it at home, I usually make something for myself so I can avoid any peas. Yet this time, I was ready. Mom sliced the pie open…and….it was nothing but chicken and some sort of cream. There was one carrot in the entire pie. We’d gotten it from the frozen section. Next week I’m requesting we make our own. 
3. Chicken Noodle Soup with Spinach, Carrots, Celery, and Onions. First of all, YUM! I love chicken noodle soup normally, but the addition of the celery, spinach, and onions was a big deal. I made sure to chop the spinach up into smaller pieces, so it wouldn’t be floating around like little green monsters. (“You just throw it in,” my mom said as I did this, but I ignored her.) And, success! Instead of leaving a pile of food left over in my bowl, I cleaned off the entire thing. Spinach and all!
4. Butternut Squash Ravioli with Tomato Sauce. Deep breath! On this day, I had no meat whatsoever for supper. It was a good thing my mom was sitting down because she witnessed me eat an entire plate of butternut squash ravioli! The tomato sauce covered up what might have been some awful tastes (although I tasted nothing but deliciousness), and my mom later bragged to relatives about how I ate this dish. I’m hoping to try it with different sauce next time.
5. Almond Milk, Strawberry/Banana Smoothie. Not much to say here, except why didn’t I try this sooner?!

A brave week, and all better for both my entire body and my colitis. At this point, though, I’m just hoping I can keep it up! 

Back to the Blog--and a Little Wiser, Too

The roller coaster hit me hard, and somehow I’ve managed to emerge on the other side happy, full of adrenaline, and somewhat whole.

I previously wrote how my job was making me unhappy. Not wanting to write is my worst nightmare. This job—sitting at a computer for hours typing in the same information—did just that. Even as I continued working there, I knew I had to leave. Soon. 

What else happened? In mid-August, my colitis flared up for the first time since I’d been diagnosed in July 2012. I can say now that it was a learning experience because I know what to expect next time it hits. The most difficult thing was that I could justify myself going to work. It wasn’t like my boss was in the dark about the subject, her daughter has colitis, but it’s who I am. When I was little and too sick to go to school, my mom would have to hold me back from running for the bus. I can honestly say, in that regard, nothing has changed.

So, when my job at the company ended, it was a huge relief. What I needed was rest and lots of it on my time away from working. I napped every day with Raven, my four month old kitten, and by the end of the week interviewed at another company, and landed the job. I would start Monday.

My new job is a breath of fresh air. It’s a small company with maybe seven people at most working there every day, compared to the large one I was at before. We talk, we laugh, we get work done, we say bless you when someone sneezes (which no one did at my other job, weird), we get to know each other. Most importantly, I do different things. I answer and make phone calls, I work with filing, I organize, and…GAH! Doing multiple things—scratch that, LEARNING multiple things at a job, about a local company, is a privilege. All of this I can take with me onto the next job, and the next, and the next.

Now, I’ve been wondering why my perceptions of jobs has changed. This job by no means is my dream job, but so far I’m not dreading going there (it’s only been a week, though, so we’ll have to see when that changes!). I think I’ve discovered that in order to find time to write, I have to force time to write, even if it’s in small patches. I’ve discovered that writing is my priority, but while I’m writing I can work, too, and gain more skills along the way.

Writing is what makes me happy, and adding it to my day is by no means a burden. I’m sure you can understand. It feels good to finally have answers to some questions bouncing around in my mind. But I’m still only 22, so there’s bound to be more—and soon!