A few days ago, someone my brother and I knew, a mom of kids
we went to school with, started working with him in a bakery. And she asked
after me. Not after what I was doing with my career, or what I was doing with
school, however. She asked if I was married or not.
My brother passed it off as silly, laughing as he closed the
door to my bedroom, where I had been sitting with a whiteboard, plotting my
fantasy work in progress. The marker hung in my hand. So strange to hear after
this woman since I hadn’t seen her daughter since 8th grade. So
strange that her daughters are married already. So strange that she would
assume I was married…and not bother
asking anything else about me at all.*
Strange? The more I thought about it, not so much.
Marriage is not for everyone—women or men, but it is pushed
onto women more often than men. Men can be independent without judgment, and if
someone asks about them, odds are it won’t be about marriage. After all, how
often are they asked who they’re wearing at the academy awards?
I hate the idea that women are viewed as having to want or having to be married. News flash! Not everyone wants the same thing, and if a
woman wants to do it single then she should do so without judgment. She should
be able to—but she’s not. This is the 21st century, people. How
often are we going to pretend we’re in the Middle Ages? No, she doesn’t have to
be married to accomplish everything she needs to succeed in life. No, she doesn’t
have to be attached to a man, either. She can do what she dreams, with or
without a husband.
Even if she wants to be married, she can still fulfill her
dreams. There should be nothing standing in her way. In anyone’s way.
“Did she go to school? Where? What is she doing now?” are
all questions that could have been asked from this Mom who blasted to the bakery
from 2007. Instead, they all fell to the ground, only to be trampled by
strangers in passing.
*For the record, yes, I do want to eventually get married.
But my writing, at this point in my life, is more important, as is my career.
Oh my gosh, this is...sad. Ultimately, it's very sad that it's still a common conception among men and women alike that a woman's major goal is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and/or to get married, and every other accomplishment is sidelined. I totally feel your pain (nobody's ever asked if I was married, but people are consistently surprised to find out that I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend; plus, every time I talk with one specific woman, and she starts talking about my future, it always includes finding a man and getting married, which frankly baffles me).
ReplyDeleteYou do what you do, Jessica; brush it off, and know that the most important thing is that you know what you want and when you want it. Pity the people who can't see that a woman might want to be successful career-wise before finding a partner.
Thank you so much for the advice. It's so hard to walk as a female when so much is expected of you. And it hurts that people aren't leaving options open, that they aren't open minded enough to realize there ARE more options.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to know yourself before finding anyone, and I've always been writing-oriented, so it's not hard to continue on that path.
Meanwhile, stay strong with that woman! We all have to stay strong together, don't we? *hugs and hands chocolate through computer*
"It's so hard to walk as a female when so much is expected of you." YES. And there is a lot expected of us, and when we meet those expectations? You can bet somebody's going to say something about how we're still doing it wrong.
DeleteWe can't win. So if we can't win, we just need to start playing by our own rules ;)
I completely agree with you when you say that it's important to know yourself before finding a partner, because if you don't there's so much danger of you becoming their idealized version of you that your real and original self just gets lost.
You stay strong, too, Jessica! (and I'll just take that chocolate off your hands...) *hugs*